Love languages are expressive behaviors that we tend to be most sensitive to. This means that while our love languages can be the primary ways we express and receive affection, they can also be the ways we experience hurt and rejection most intensely.
Let’s start off by going over the five love languages:
PHYSICAL TOUCH
Expressing affection through physical contact.
- Holding hands, hugs, kisses, back rubs, cuddles, or playing with a loved one’s hair
- Seeking out casual touch throughout the day
ACTS OF SERVICE
Expressing affection through helpful tasks or favors.
- Taking “to-do’s” off a loved ones plate
- Making or bringing a loved one a meal or food
- Doing chores
QUALITY TIME
Expressing affection with undivided attention during shared moments.
- Actively listening and making eye contact
- Making efforts to spend time & prioritizing loved ones
GIFT GIVING
Expressing affection by providing representations of their feelings.
- Giving loved ones little trinkets, found items, food, or thoughtful gifts
WORDS OF AFFIRMATION
Expressing affection through spoken (or written) words.
- Words of encouragement
- Compliments
- Love notes or cute texts
Verbal expressions of their feelings
How “Love Languages” go wrong:
We can unintentionally hurt our partners through their love languages, especially if we “speak” different love languages than them. Here are some ways you might be hurting your partner in their love language:
ACTS OF SERVICE
- Forcing or guilting them into doing things for you
- Forgetting or not doing a task that they asked for help with.
- Not acknowledging their acts of service or expecting them as a “given”
- Dismissing their efforts to help as annoying or overbearing
GIFT GIVING
- Not giving gifts (big or small)on special occasions
- Dismissing or not appreciating the small gifts they give you
- Not being thoughtful about the gift you are getting them (example: getting them flowers when they are allergic)
PHYSICAL TOUCH
- Only engaging in affectionate touch during sex
- Aggressive gestures or physical touch during fights
- Unwanted or inopportune physical touch
- Rejecting or shaming their efforts to connect when in public
QUALITY TIME
- Stonewalling or disengaging
- Being emotionally or mentally withdrawn
- Not making time for them in your day
- Being distracted (ex: on your phone) or not paying attention while they’re talking
WORDS OF AFFIRMATION
- Name-calling, insulting them or making fun of them
Giving them the cold shoulder - Yelling, cursing, or using a harsh tone of voice when you speak to them.
- “Taking back” a compliment during a fight
It’s important to understand what your partner’s love language is, how to speak it to them in the ways they want, and how to communicate yours in return. Partners need to feel seen and heard and one way to accomplish this is through effective use of love language communication.
We also recommend downloading an app called Love Nudge, which has you take the Love Language quiz and share with your partner. You can set specific examples within each type of language so your partner can go back and review those items, and send “nudges” to each other as a reminder if things slip to the wayside.
